It’s Been 4 Months

Sept 6

Today marks 4 months since John-Marlon left our family. I can’t say that sadness is what I feel, I just feel a terrible, terrible void in my heart that I know will never be filled, and nor do I ever want it to be. I miss him yelling at me for secretly using his expensive razor blades, for borrowing his boxers as my most comfy pajamas, for using pots and pans that were clearly labeled “DO NOT TOUCH.” I was notorious for burning cookware before things were even cooked. He was the most giving person I have ever met in my life, and would buy me anything I ever needed or wanted, but touching his stuff was a big no, no! I of course never cared or listened to him. The friendly feud we had over the years was just part of who we were as couple. Sometimes he would just have to laugh and ask if I will be like this when I’m 60! Little did we know that we would never see 60 together, at least not on this Earth.

Tonight I am having a little vino as I take in the realness of it all as I stare into the biggest closet in my house. I haven’t emptied his things yet. When I look at this space, I am not sure what I feel at this very moment, but I do know that when the time is right, we as a family will go through each and every item and decide 1 of 3 things. We will either use items for the quilts we want to have made with his clothing, we will save some clothes for Marken (he is fitting into some of them now), and the rest of his things will be donated or sold. My dream is that any funds we raise can go towards the MARNAVA foundation that I am in the process of creating that will be facilitated by my children – for children who are grieving their own personal loss. I feel in my heart that we must pay it forward. It’s the only way to live.

I won’t remind my children of what today is. It’s not a marker for celebrating, but it most definitely is not one for grieving. I am comforted by knowing that the man who lived one of the most adventurous colorful lives in health, was the very man who told me in his final months that although he no longer resembled his former physical self, he was the happiest man on Earth, and wouldn’t change it for the world.

His smile however never changed, and his eyes always sparkled, even when he said “if God needs me, I’m ready.”

And, as I get ready to lay in my bed this early morning I say, “I’m ready to serve God, what do you need from me?”

Count your blessings and not sheep:)

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