I never got the grieving handbook

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Yesterday was 3 months since John-Marlon passed. I didn’t even realize that until this morning. My post last night was fitting for the 7th of the month. This morning I would like to share an experience that keeps repeating itself so I think its important enough to share. First and foremost this post IS NOT directed towards anyone in specific. This is about my personal experience.

It may be difficult for some to understand my grieving process, it may even make some very uncomfortable. I don’t glorify death, nor am I in denial. My heart breaks every single day…every single day! I make a conscious decision to be as strong as I am. I have been severely depressed before (when my life was perfect), and I don’t wish that pain on anyone, nor do I wish to revisit.

I have had people tell me to get off of Facebook to take time for myself, to cry for days, to get angry, to remember to grieve John-Marlon’s death.

I was given an amazing gift, and I choose to see it that way. The gift was temporary, but aren’t we all in this Earth? I was able to say good-bye, I was able to see the joy and peace in his heart, I was able to see him LITERALLY reach for the Heavens before he left this Earth. I was even able to hold his hand for his final breath. I am in gratitude, and even through my pain and tears I will remain as such because there was so many other ways this story could have ended. Yes, he will no longer be here for holiday’s and to help me raise our beautiful children. When I turn at night, I don’t feel the warmth of my love, but instead of a plush pillow. I recognize my pain – I live it.

I hope that my posts come across as me sharing my journey and not telling anyone on how to grieve a death, as the acceptance of any death requires its very own unique healing journey.

My post today is shared from a good place, and I completely understand the good intentions that are meant when people wonder if I am in fact healing appropriately. Having a child with Asperger’s has taught me that one size does not always fit all. Healing with Gratitude fits me just right. Marlon wouldn’t want it any other way. Trust me…he’s watching.

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